LoveMystique's Xanga

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Sun, 20 Jan 2008 06:16:12 GMT

In the first 20 days of 2008 I have

been to the ER twice
been to Health Services
gotten 9 prescriptions
been diagnosed with 5 viruses/infections/medical conditions

I am starting my last semester of college with mono.

and it's only january....

luckily, I have the best friends in the world and they make it all okay.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Sat, 05 Jan 2008 06:49:05 GMT

i am the luckiest.

new years resolution?

remember that. ironically simple.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Wed, 19 Dec 2007 19:42:24 GMT

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?
-Meg Ryan, You've Got Mail-

This is one of my favorite movie quotes of all time, despite the fact that it is from the cheesiest movie I will ever watch 47 million times and quote every line of. Word of warning- don't ever watch this movie with me, it will make you sick.

Back to the point at hand, everytime I hear that quote I realize how true it is about my own life. Granted, I spent a few hours at a coffee shop last night discussing how incredibly irrelevant Hollywood is in terms of reality, however.... this is definitely a truth for me. I have had the conversation about graduation and grad school about a thousand times in recent months as it looms ahead and I always hear myself say, "Well, I sent my GRE scores to ASU and Boston, but I decided not to apply." Cue obvious response, "Why the hell not?!"

Well, duh. I'm terrified. Eau Claire is the first place where I really had to make a home for myself. I thought it was scary to move 250 miles away from my parents and every security I had ever known....but I realized that I wasn't the one who built that. It was built for me and around me, but never by me. Here, I had to find structure, acceptance and stability all on my own....and I did.

And now you're telling me that all of that is going to scatter and I might even have to pick up and relocate? Seriously? I hate growing up.

And while it would be easy to choose the safe road ... what wonderful experience ever stems from complacency? Extravagant adventures are born of spontaneity and trust, not fear. I say that I trust God with my past, present and future, but I'm sitting on the fence, holding on for dear life, terrified to take the next step. He has been so faithful for the last 21 years, 11 months and 26 days. Why am I so afraid to trust Him with the next steps of my life?

In case you didn't catch the reference above, my birthday is in FOUR DAYS. and Christmas is in FIVE. Although I don't get to spend as much time with my family this Christmas, I feel like I am more grateful than ever to have them. I work in a health care facility where I know people don't have families to go home to. I don't know how I get so depressed this time of year .... I am so blessed and I can't believe that I ever let myself forget that. I'm am the luckiest woman in the world to have the love of the people that I do.

And last, but not least, I love people. I was born to love people and care for them and worry about them. In the past I have spent years pining over why the hell I put my heart on the line over and over and over for indifference....but this year, it's been worth it. People are worth it....and one glimmer of hope is worth it.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 16:55:03 GMT

I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all that you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
You words can crush things that are unseen

So please be careful with me
I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 16:44:42 GMT

I thank my God upon every rememembrance of you.
- Phillipians 1:3 -

We love you, CG.

three days

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 17:28:56 GMT

In the last three days, enough things have happened to cover about two weeks. After my last self soothing entry (actually, I was just whining and being typical Kristin in winter) a lot of things happened to brighten my mood.

Cue Friday night.

A bunch of IVers got together to make fleece blankets for the women and children and Bolton Refuge House....definitely the most fun I've had in a long time. We made 36 blankets in a little over two hours....it was amazing. Hung out with the awesome girls from Bible Study until 11pm at which time I went to ~~bed~~ work. I despise overnight shifts and don't believe they should be imposed on college students. So.....

Saturday.

I got off work at 7am and immediately left for Milwaukee. 2 grande lattes and a caffeine pill later, I was still falling asleep and actually had to pull off the road to take a 15 minute nap - sad. By the grace of something other than caffeine, I made it safely home at which time I spent 48 glorious hours with my wonderful parents. Here's the recap:

*we made thanksgiving dinner on saturday since I have to work on thursday
*I bought a new computer (that I can't put XP on because [insert technical mumbo-jumbo here] and so I have to deal with Vista and I can't connect to the internet....GRRRRRR.....but I can't complain because at least my hardrive isn't crashing again)
*I brought back an entire car full of Christmas decorations - including a 4 foot tree - for my apartment and I can't wait to decorate
*I got to sleep! that hasn't happened since like.....huh. I don't remember.

So.....it was all so wonderful that I decided to stay in Milwaukee until this morning. I got up at 5:30 am to drive back to Eau Claire. I will forever despise the class and the project that made me come back that early.

Good weekend.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 21:07:58 GMT

every year I go through this. every year i try to explain what it's like and why i just can't sometimes. i never succeed because it just isn't a concrete concept. i can't tell someone what i feel like any more than i can explain what God looks like. my emotions are salient and they even confuse me. i just know that i feel empty. i feel stuck. i feel like everything is crashing down around me and i just can't get up. it doesn't feel like sadness. or helplessness. but it feels like cold and like dark and infinite. the harder i try, the more i feel like i'm just falling behind and the more i feel like im failing everyone around me.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 02:42:38 GMT

For lack of better mode of expression, I turn to thee, Xanga. This one's going to be a roller coaster, kids. hang on.

so I went to InterVarsity's Cross Training....fall conference....picture this. 600+ midwestern college students all together praising Jesus and diving into the Word continually all weekend in the gorgeous surroundings of Green Lake, pictured at sunrise here.

If you've never been to a retreat like this, its a pretty powerful thing. There are small group break out times, chapter bonding times, quiet time, and corporate worship that could get almost anyone up and dancing. So there was laughing, praising, tears, the whole works. Talk about wanting to rededicate your life to Jesus. Us chicas even had a tackle football team. Check this out.

Even after a trip to the ER at 1am on Sunday morning, it could not have been a better weeekend. however, I know that after being to a number of these conferences, there is always a slump afterwards. There is this fire that burns in me for a few days and eventually it starts to taper off. Luckily, I have the support of some beautiful women in my Bible study that I am so blessed to be a part of.

Thanks to the awesomeness that has been IV, my Bible Study and everything at EC recently, I can't imagine leaving here for grad school. I really hope I get in.

While at fall conference, I took a track called Life After College...the thing that seems to most terrify most college students right around graduation....funny how that works. I graduate in May, if all goes well and truthfully, I went into this track hoping to have my entire life figured out in one weekend. (Hilarious, right?) Long story short, God sent the 2x4 in on that one.

I learned something (or I guess was reminded of something) amazing this weekend. We live in a beautiful, wonderful Kingdom. It's not about what our lives are going to be about, but rather the fact that our wonderful Father invited us into the Kingdom to live every second of our lives in His Glory for a bigger commission that he planned before we were even born. Humbling, I tell you. It made me want to live my life a little differently. I gave up a lot of my worries that weekend.

One of said worries was where I was going to live next year. I have a decent chance at staying in EC, so I convinced my landlord (to whom I pay an arm, a leg and other extremeties to each month to live here) that he should let me sit on my lease until April when I know where I'll be, knowing full well that I can't afford this place another year, but wanting security. If you've ever lived in a college town, you know how eager they are to have that lease signed by October. ridiculous. God definitely put it on my heart last weekend to know that He is going to take care of me and not leave me stranded. Truthfully, I want to live with roomates again and have that accountability. So, i called my landlord in plans of forgoing my lease for whatever God has planned for me. I was proud of my decision.

enter Mom. I called home to tell her this, along with kvetching about my recently acquired chest cold at which point she spent half an hour lecturing me on how I got sick because I didn't wash my hands and I never wear a jacket (I'm not a stubborn 10 year old anymore...) and that forgoing my lease was a stupid idea because I'll never find a place to live, and I would hate my roomates and it would be hard and I'd end up living somewhere terrible and that under NO circumstances was I to live with a boyfriend. hmmmmmm.I really just wanted her support in this, but I guess that just wasn't in the cards. Sometimes I wish uconditional love applied a little more readily because although I know she believes it, she doesn't always show it the best. I know in the end, she supports me, but I wish she would trust my decsion making a little more. I know I'm kind of a screw up sometimes, but I'm pretty sure grace has that covered. Amazingly enough.

I think I can sleep now. Good night, cosmic void.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 14:54:19 GMT

Crisis averted. I conquered Xanga and it's silly overlapping ways.

Friday, October 05, 2007

Fri, 05 Oct 2007 14:52:38 GMT

It amazes me every day just how faithful God is. I was in a place in my life that I knew just wasn't who I really was and I was terrified that I was going to have another year like last year. The other night we sang a song at IV called From the Inside Out (which has become the theme song of my life) ... only we sang the Spanish version, Desde Mi Interior. Not everyone there even spoke Spanish but it was an incredible testament to the faith community that we are a part of in this world and it reminded me of just how BIG God is. The world is so much bigger than me and my insignificant problems and there is so much more to live for... sometimes I can't believe that I forget that.

Desde mi interior
A veces te fallé, mas tú fuiste fiel,
Tu gracia me levantó, me basta tu amor
Dios eterno, tu luz por siempre brillará
Y tu gloria, incomparable sin final
Señor, tu voluntad permanecerá,
En ti me quiero perder en adoración,
Dios eterno, tu luz por siempre brillará
Y tu gloria, incomparable sin final

De mi corazón te doy el control,
Consume todo mi interior, Dios.
Justicia y amor me abrazan,
Señor, Te amo desde mi interior.

Dios eterno, tu luz por siempre brillará,
Y tu gloria, incomparable sin final.
El clamor de mi ser es contigo estar
Desde mi interior mi alma clamará.