Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around?
-Meg Ryan, You've Got Mail- This is one of my favorite movie quotes of all time, despite the fact that it is from the cheesiest movie I will ever watch 47 million times and quote every line of. Word of warning- don't ever watch this movie with me, it will make you sick. Back to the point at hand, everytime I hear that quote I realize how true it is about my own life. Granted, I spent a few hours at a coffee shop last night discussing how incredibly irrelevant Hollywood is in terms of reality, however.... this is definitely a truth for me. I have had the conversation about graduation and grad school about a thousand times in recent months as it looms ahead and I always hear myself say, "Well, I sent my GRE scores to ASU and Boston, but I decided not to apply." Cue obvious response, "Why the hell not?!" Well, duh. I'm terrified. Eau Claire is the first place where I really had to make a home for myself. I thought it was scary to move 250 miles away from my parents and every security I had ever known....but I realized that I wasn't the one who built that. It was built for me and around me, but never by me. Here, I had to find structure, acceptance and stability all on my own....and I did. And now you're telling me that all of that is going to scatter and I might even have to pick up and relocate? Seriously? I hate growing up. And while it would be easy to choose the safe road ... what wonderful experience ever stems from complacency? Extravagant adventures are born of spontaneity and trust, not fear. I say that I trust God with my past, present and future, but I'm sitting on the fence, holding on for dear life, terrified to take the next step. He has been so faithful for the last 21 years, 11 months and 26 days. Why am I so afraid to trust Him with the next steps of my life? In case you didn't catch the reference above, my birthday is in FOUR DAYS. and Christmas is in FIVE. Although I don't get to spend as much time with my family this Christmas, I feel like I am more grateful than ever to have them. I work in a health care facility where I know people don't have families to go home to. I don't know how I get so depressed this time of year .... I am so blessed and I can't believe that I ever let myself forget that. I'm am the luckiest woman in the world to have the love of the people that I do. And last, but not least, I love people. I was born to love people and care for them and worry about them. In the past I have spent years pining over why the hell I put my heart on the line over and over and over for indifference....but this year, it's been worth it. People are worth it....and one glimmer of hope is worth it. | 
